A flower in a swamp 

[Mild NSFW/TMI warnings]

It’s been ages since I blogged. I’ve been a busy Connor. 

I’m currently feeling all mushy deep inside, my nipples hurt from being overtweaked and I have stubble burn all over my bum because I just said goodbye to French train platform boy. We had our fourth sex-date in my bedroom today. Each encounter gets better and better. I was worried he wouldn’t come this time after I got overly emotional last time. But this time he was the one who cried. This is kind of real. It’s barmy. I’ve never had anything like this before. We have our next date scheduled. A month from today. And this time we’ve decided that we’ll be having dinner before adjourning to my bedroom. This relationship has zero future. But it’s bringing me places I’ve never been before. It’s exciting. And I’m looking forward to my next date. But I haven’t stopped chatting to other boys online too. So watch this space. 

Anyway, besides sex, I’m moving house. Yay! I’m going to have a place of my own again. On 8 July. Just like my little house in Longford, when I saw the ad, I knew it had to be. And it was. I was the first person to view the flat and I’m getting it. It’s a “maisonette”, so it’s basically my own house. I have a front door and a long back garden and a living room that’s a different room from my bedroom that’s a different room from my kitchen. I’m going to be a grown-up again. And my brother has offered to load all my stuff into his van and drive it across to me so I’ve already booked the ferry for him. I’m going to be King of my Castle again. Connor is in the ascendant. 

Should I say Queen of my Castle? Maybe I should. 

I’ve always been an over-sharer. Always. I think it’s partly because of a gay adolescence. Carrying a big secret around every hour of every day does funny things to your relationship with privacy. My tendency to overshare went into overdrive when I started blogging in 2010. And now there’s YouTube too. I’m basically a living breathing online autobiography in progress. Someone should write a thesis about me. The first two episodes of “Becoming CoCo Starlight” were fun, but the third one was different. Something happened to me. Now, I’ve been working the hours of a lunatic, so the video is one of the worst-edited ones I’ve done. The sound is terrible and the video stops very suddenly, a minute earlier than it was meant to. But there’s magic in that video. I put on false eyelashes and you can see I’m feeling something. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. But I’m feeling it. I think it was seeing my eyes as something pretty. I don’t think of my face as beautiful. My experiences with the many kinky men of London have taught me that fat people can be sexy, but I still struggle to believe I can be beautiful. And yet I saw myself with those false eyelashes from Primark and I saw something beautiful. My eyes were genuinely pretty. It was like seeing a beautiful little delicate flower in the middle of a vile belching swamp. I’m still gobsmacked thinking of it. I was pretty. I can be someone else. I can be something else. Someone beautiful. 

I love making these videos. And when I have a bit more time and I’m not working these crazy hours, I can start working on improving my videoing and editing skills and on getting my views up and actually getting people to watch. 

In other news, work has been manic. Sometimes I’m working so many hours that I just start crying. Some nights I work till 3:00 am and get up again for work at 7:00am. But it’s ok. It’s temporary. 

Also in Connor news, my ebook is on sale and my friends’ comments and support make me emotional, but strangers’ reviews have been so positive that they’re sweeping me off my feet. One person called me “superhuman”. Another said she “couldn’t put it down”. The universal complaint is that it’s too short, which is the kind of complaint I like to hear. 

And finally, the weightloss continues. In spite of all the drama of life at the moment, I’ve tracked my calories every day for about ten weeks now. Last week I crossed the three stone lost mark. This week I’ve lost another four pounds, so that’s three stone four pounds that’s I’ve lost in ten weeks (46 pounds in American or 20.8 kilos in European). I daren’t believe it’s for real this time. Seven years into what started out as a weightloss blog and this is the first genuine consistent and sustained success I’ve had in all that time. 

My life is crazy wonderful at the moment. I’m barely holding it all together, but I don’t care. I’m on my way up! 

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