Do you remember what this blog used to be like? It started out as a record of my dieting. I was literally just going to list meals and calories and weights and measurements. It was all so innocent.
It’s kind of hard to believe, given the way things have gone, that for my first two years of blogging, I didn’t even mention that I was gay. I may have written about my pining for Taylor Lautner’s abs. If you search, you’ll find a poem I wrote about how I want to look like him. But I never explicitly said I was gay in the blog until I came out to my family in 2012.
And now, here I am, and I seem to write about nothing but men. I feel like I don’t have much choice. Men is what’s happening in my life now. I came to London for lots of reasons, and a big one of those was to find a source of men who were willing to kiss 28-stone me. I’m 36 years old. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve frequently gone two or three years without being kissed, and once famously went seven years without going to bed with a man, until I broke that curse in the summer of 2014 in Slovenia.
And now, here I am in a city where there seem to be limitless opportunities to explore all the things that my friends explored when they were 15 or 18 or 21. And of course I’m going to take advantage of that. And of course I’m going to end up writing about it. Because for the last seven years, I’ve written about what is most important in my life here.
I would like to pause and apologise. I’m not sorry. But I know if I was my friend, I probably wouldn’t want to read about all this. So if it makes you uncomfortable, I really am sorry for your discomfort, but I don’t feel sorry for writing it.
Anyway, all that said, here is an update on my current men:
1. The Polish ex-priest
We are still messaging each other occasionally, but nothing as often as we used to. I do still like him. But I don’t think I’ll be going for another weekend in Kent. I don’t think we want the same things. He wants a suburban life and someone to watch sci-fi and fantasy movies with. And whatever it is I want, I’m fairly sure it’s not that. He does make me feel good though and I do like him, so I’m not saying we won’t meet again.
2. The Colombian charmer
This was the man who swept me off my feet the week before last. The man who went for drinks with me and made me laugh and held hands with me all the way down Oxford Street and then kissed me goodbye in Tottenham Court Road Tube station with all the straight people watching and sent me home floating in the air for 48 hours. He was my great hope. He was sweet and interested in me as a person like my ex-priest, but he was also passionate and sexy like the deputy headmaster, and he was funny and good company. I was due to meet him last Friday for some bedroom shenanigans.
What I didn’t admit in my last blogpost about him was that he’s got a boyfriend. And while I’ve been with other guys who have boyfriends (and in one case, a husband) since I got to England, they’ve all been in open relationships. That wouldn’t be the case with this guy. His boyfriend wouldn’t know about me. And his boyfriend is fat. I don’t know why that makes it worse, but it does to me. I should have solidarity with the other fat gays. I know what it’s like. I know that lonely place. I shouldn’t be stealing their boyfriends.
He was meant to come back to mine after work last week on Friday. He cancelled because his boyfriend wanted to do something and so he had to go straight home from work.
We’ve been messaging each other since. I don’t know if we’ll meet up again. We’ll certainly see each other. He works around the corner from me and I’ve already seen him out and about.
He messaged me on Wednesday after the terrorist attacks to make sure I was OK.
3. The Deputy Headmaster
This was the guy who was totally smitten with me who I ended up going to see the night before my birthday as a present to myself.
He was very kinky and I did things with him that freaked me out, but that I can’t say I didn’t enjoy. He produced a dog collar, but I didn’t wear it. I did however wear the hood he put over my head and I let him force poppers on me.
I’m learning what I like and I don’t know what that is yet. I really don’t.
I knew I liked this guy though. He was very sexy and very, very into me. Our conversation now has over 400 messages in it and he messages me at all hours of the day and night.
My date with the Colombian charmer filled me with confidence and I decided I was going to be wild. My Colombian would come back to mine at 5:00 on Friday. Then he’d go home to his boyfriend’s and I’d get on the Overground at 8:00ish and see the Deputy Head. Two men in one night. Imagine. Brand New Wild Connor.
I told the Deputy Head this plan and he fully approved of its filthiness. He got very excited and sent me dirtier and dirtier messages. It was all so exciting.
Then my Colombian cancelled. I couldn’t face the kink of the teacher without the warmth and passion and humour of the Colombian first. I sent a message to the teacher, telling him I was sick and I went home to bed.
This hasn’t stopped him messaging me. But I’ve stopped answering. I can’t be dealing with that kind of carry on. Not yet. Not until I know more of myself.
4. Smelly suit man
I haven’t written about this guy for a while. He’s the guy who finds the idea of a fat man in a suit very sexy. He wanted to buy me a suit and have me get all sweaty and stink up the suit so he could sniff a fully-dressed me while he was naked and pleasuring himself.
I was initially interested in the idea of a free suit. And his profile picture was very hot. But I wasn’t into the scenario he was describing so I stopped answering his messages.
This week he messaged me again for the first time in a long time. He’s now got a flat of his own and can host me any time I want.
I might be meeting him this week. Who the hell knows?
5. The Pup Master
I’ve mentioned this guy before. He was in touch quite a bit. He wants a “pup” who looks like me. We had a number of conversations but in the end I put a stop to it. I told him about the Deputy Headmaster and told him I really didn’t think I was into that stuff.
Then he told me that he was into vanilla stuff too and wanted to meet for a date.
A date was something I could do. We met at 1:00 today and sat in a park drinking cokes and getting to know each other. And he’s lovely. He’s just my type. He’s short and strong and hot. He’s well-travelled and chatty and interesting, even if he does love soccer and action movies. He has a boyfriend. But they’re open, so there’s no guilt.
We had a long conversation about kink and about the psychology of it all. It made me feel a lot better.
And he’s a lovely guy. He’s been messaging me for ages. What I didn’t realise if that he first contacted me on my BiggeCity account back when I was living in Ireland. We’ve literally been in touch for years. I’m going to meet him again. And we’re going to do stuff. We did do some fun over-the-clothes stuff today. Next time, we’ll do a bit more.
So, men are complicated. They’re beautiful. They’re cruel. They’re messed up. They’re dirty. They’re scary.
Men who love fat men are an odd cross-section of society. I’m glad they exist. But I’m glad I’m going to eventually have a body like Taylor Lautner, when I finally do actually follow a weightloss plan, because I think a few other men to choose from would be good too.