I kind of like to think that I’ll just have to put an NSFW warning at the start of every blogpost from now on, but maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon. That said, London does seem to have an inexhaustible supply of men, so you never know.
Anyway, before I get to the filth, some London moments.
I was coming home on the Tube last night. I was feeling all happy and London-y, looking at the posters in the station advertising all the different musicals that are on in London. When I have money again I’m going to go to so many musicals. You could literally go to one a week here. There was an elderly busker in the station, playing “My Heart Will Go On” on a huge harp. A group of drunk 19- and 20-year-old girls dressed as witches and ghosts and Donald Trump, clearly on their way to a Halloween party, stopped beside the old man and started singing along. Two minutes later a group of four middle-aged German men were delighted by the singing drunk witches and the old harpist and they joined in too, with deep Alpine voices booming Celine Dion across the Central Line. I really do love London.
This morning, I was browsing in a cheap bookshop. It had huge “Closing Down Sale – Everything Must Go” signs up. An old man passing by started shouting loudly from the doorway to the shop assistant. “How long has this shop been closing down? I’ll give you £200 for the whole lot.” He wasn’t joking. I think he’d seen “closing down sale” signs on shops that weren’t closing down one too many times in his life and now that he was seventy, he wasn’t going to take it any more. He roared at the shop assistant for a good ten minutes, offering him all kinds of prices for the shop and its contents, trying to get him to “admit” that the shop wasn’t really closing down. I hope I don’t turn into that old man. And if I do, I hope my rants are only on Twitter and not in shops on the high street.
I spent a good two hours today talking to men on my apps. I’ve never seen anything like the thirst of London men.
I’d narrowed myself down to real chats with four eager men. One of them asked if I could come to his place that night. I took a deep breath and decided I was ready. He had a bit of charisma about him and promised some magic. I was to arrive at his place at 8:30, when he was getting back from training. He was going to keep his sweaty sports kit on and let me undress him and lick the sweat off him. You don’t want to know what he was going to do to me next, but rest assured that it was equally terrifying and thrilling.
I was excited about this man, but at the same time I was genuinely scared. Luckily, I got another offer. A polite Italian invited me to his for “Netflix and a cuddle”. This was definitely safer. I messaged the sports kit guy, apologising and saying I had been called into work and we’d have to meet another night. It’s lucky I hadn’t told him what I work as, because there is no such thing as a Sunday-night English-teaching emergency.
I raced home to shower before my rendezvous with the polite Italian. My roommate wasn’t in. I’ve now shared a bedroom with this guy for four nights and I still don’t know his name. I wouldn’t even recognise him if I met him while he was awake.
The nearest Tube station to my gentleman was Clapham Common, which could only be a good thing, as it’s possibly the most famous gay cruising park in the world. He welcomed me into his flat, a flat he owns. Wow. Haven’t I landed on my feet? A property owner. My mother would be delighted. Well, she wouldn’t, but in some parallel universe there is a delighted mother.
He was very sweet. He has decorated his flat with comic book paraphernalia and is a massive geek. He gave me a glass of Orangina. We chatted about Brexit and London and our jobs (he’s in IT) and we settled down to watch Guardians of the Galaxy. We got about fifteen minutes into the movie before our “cuddling” got too distracting and we moved to the bedroom. He was masterful and wonderful and that’s all I’ll say.
It won’t be anything serious, but he was my first London encounter and I’m very happy and I’ll certainly be popping to his place for Netflix again.