A somewhat disjointed post that I can’t think of a snappy title for

I went home for Easter and it was great. There was chocolate. There was no one being christened or married and I didn’t have to go to a single religious ceremony. My niece wrote a poem that didn’t make any sense, and therefore was adorable, for me.

My mother continues to make little sense. After years of begging me not to take a job in the Middle East, my aged and infirm parents are going on a pilgrimage to Israel in a few weeks. But they’re doing it for Jesus, so I guess they’ll be fine. In other mother-related news, she watched Peppa Pig for an hour with my niece and says that she now understands Guantanamo.

We also had this classic conversation:

Connor: “I always cringe at children being interviewed on the radio. I wish they wouldn’t do it.”

Mother: “I know. It’s awful. And people just accept it. They have us all fooled. It’s like the way they called the law that legalised the killing of babies the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill”.

I’m back to real life today, back home in Longford. I’m getting ready for my Camino. My professional hiking sandals arrived today. I’m currently trying to wear them in, because I just know that I’m going to be killed with blisters. I was watching some YouTube videos by a fit former marine who walked the Camino, the same route as I’m going to do and he was talking about how he had to knock back a few painkillers every day. I’m not fit. I’m going to have to take a barrel of morphine.

This is going to be tough. I weighed myself today. Easter was not good to me. I now weigh 28 stone 3 pounds, my first time over 28 stone. That’s 395 pounds or 179 kilos. I’m so close to 400 pounds or 180 kilos. They make TV shows about people as grotesquely big as me. I checked Wikipedia and I’m heavier than any of the contestants’ starting weights on the latest series of the Biggest Loser in America. I have to walk as much as humanly possible between now and leaving for Spain and the more weight I can lose in advance, the better.

And being fat is so expensive. I’m graduating next week (I got my fine cleared, so they finally sent out the tickets). I have to pay €45 for the gowns, but because Trinity is Trinity, I can’t just wear shorts and a vest underneath. I have to wear a tux or I won’t be allowed into the hall. I went on Google tonight. Most suit hire places only go up to 52 or 54 inch trousers. My tape measure is 60 inches and it doesn’t reach all the way around. I eventually found a place in Dublin that does any size, but of course there’s a surcharge on trousers over 50 inches around. Yay.

But it’s not going to last forever. I’m going to spend 40 days doing what is basically a half-marathon every day. Because that’s what the camino is. I’m going to be sylphlike and dainty and my future clothes are going to be so cheap. Fingers crossed!

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