I have never

I have never watched the Matrix

Or The Godfather, or Bambi.

I have never tasted snails of frogs’ legs.

I have never played a Super Mario game

Or watched or played Pokémon.

I have never been kissed in the rain

Or on a beach or on a hillside.

I have never cycled a bike.

I have never read anything by George Eliot.

I have never worn a ballgown.

I have never killed a mouse.

I have never owned anything more expensive than a laptop.

I have never managed to successfully communicate to a barber what I wanted done with my hair.

I have never listened to a whole opera from start to finish

Or watched a ballet.

I have never seen Breaking Bad.

I have never left a doctor’s office feeling satisfied that I had been heard.

I have never had a healthy adult BMI.

I have never been to South America.

I have never punched a man.

I have never met a royal.

I have never re-wired a plug.

I have never bought a large quantity of fruit or vegetables and not had to throw some away because they were going off.

I have never bought kitchen roll without a pattern on it.

I have never worn sunglasses and not felt like a ridiculous fraud.

I have never cut my toenails and been able to find every one afterwards.

I have never danced the foxtrot or the waltz or the cha cha cha.

I have never played a trombone.

I have never had a birthday or a new years where I didn’t feel panicky that it just wasn’t meaningful enough.

I have never been graceful.

I have never bought an avocado.

Or a lychee or a papaya.

I have never cooked fish.

I have never had a dinner that couldn’t have been improved by the addition of melted cheese on top.

I have never been in love. Not really.

I have never had anyone fall in love with me.

I have never sung my heart out when anyone else could hear.

I have never got the tattoo I’ve wanted.

I have never been a debt-free adult.

I have never learned to juggle or touch-type.

I have never successfully used a spreadsheet.

I have never had a tuxedo I didn’t lose the jacket from.

I have never worn a kilt.

I have never had an oyster.

I have never dived off a boat.

I have never left a shoe shop certain I’d bought the right thing.

I have never watched a rugby match.

I have never put the chain back on a bike.

I have never had a cucumber sandwich.

Or rabbit. Or spiced beef.

I have never had a chemistry set or “done experiments” at home.

I have never had a manicure or a pedicure.

I have never been out with a large group of people and without later regretting the unevenness of attention I gave to different people.

I have never confessed to my mother about the time I broke the kettle and she blamed herself.

I have never had my shoes shined.

I have never campaigned vigorously for a just cause.

I have never pole danced.

I have never posed for art students.

I have never been sure who I should and shouldn’t wish happy birthday to on Facebook.

I have never read 50 Shades of Grey.

I have never used fake tan.

I have never fully come to grips with the female reproductive system.

I have never collected shells on a beach.

I have never made a chocolate replica of any part of my anatomy or anyone else’s.

I have never been good at keeping in touch long term.

I have never been able to remember a joke when someone asked if I knew any jokes.

I have never shaved and not missed a bit.

I have never written a love letter to someone that I didn’t burn before I sent it.

I have never fully got over my childhood fear of escalators.

It’s lucky that we have a new year coming. 

PS: It has come to my attention that people think I’m writing a list of regrets. I’m sorry if the last sentence misleads. I was just writing a list of things I’ve never done. I don’t necessarily want to do any of the things listed above.

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One Response to I have never

  1. Laurie says:

    You mean you want to someday buy kitchen roll without a pattern? I think you should keep that one up!

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