Notes for my future husband

Here are some things my future husband needs to be aware of:

  • As I was walking to work on Monday morning, I saw a young woman walking her dog. She was also carrying a plastic bag of the dog’s poo. I will never do this. If you want to have pets, that’s absolutely fine, but I will never, ever scoop their poop. That’s your job. 
  • I will insist on switching off the radio if there are children being interviewed. Children have their place, but that place is not on the radio. 
  • Speaking of the radio, I enjoy getting cross at DJs. Just because I’m shouting at the radio, it doesn’t mean I want it switched off. Unless, of course, the DJ is speaking to a child, in which case I can’t promise not to throw the radio out the window. 
  • I don’t like sharing spoons, forks or toothbrushes. I don’t care how close we are, or how often we kiss, I am afraid of mouth germs. 
  • When I am hungover, I will watch episodes from the first three seasons of The Gilmore Girls and from the first four seasons of The West Wing. Live with it. 
  • Sometimes you will have my undivided attention. And sometimes my iPhone will be more interesting than whatever it is you’re telling me. 
  • If a bird flies into our home, I will leave and not come back until you have dealt with it. Likewise if a moth flies into our bedroom. 
  • My birthday is special. And I will insist on a big deal being made of it. 
  • I don’t want to order something to share in a restaurant. I don’t want tapas. I don’t want for me to get something and you to get something else and then we each take some of each other’s so we get to eat both. My dinner is my dinner. It should have a defined portion and none of this Mediterranean-middle-of-the-table malarkey. 
  • I need to be persuaded of the value of monogamy. And ironing. 
  • I’m never sure of what to do at a gig. If we go to a concert, or any live music event, you are in charge. 
  • If a TV show doesn’t have enough dialogue, I get bored. I can’t be dealing with long lingering shots, or contemplative sad scenes, or car chases. 
  • I sometimes listen to the same song over and over again if it matches my mood. I cannot guarantee that this song won’t be Peter André’s Mysterious Girl. 
  • Our wedding will be a musical extravaganza. There will be no negotiation on this, though the individual musical numbers themselves may be up for discussion. 
  • You can’t tell our friends when I’m exaggerating a story for dramatic effect. 
  • I move around a lot in bed. Sometimes the sheet ends up in a ball in the centre of the bed. At least once a week everything that’s on the bedside locker will be swept to the floor in the middle of the night by my thrashing. 
  • I will set more than one alarm. And I will never get up on the first alarm. 
  • I prefer pasta swirls to shells, and tagliatelle to spaghetti. 
  • If you mash potatoes well, I will love you more. 
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