So, I’m beginning to diet again. It’s happening badly and slowly, but something within me is wakening again. I didn’t buy the Slim Fast that I promised to with my last post. I continued to spend borrowed money on pizzas and biscuits and other crap.
This post came to me when I was lying in bed, watching six episodes in a row of The Biggest Loser on my phone, bawling crying, with a belly containing a chicken fillet baguette with cheese, coleslaw, mayonnaise and taco sauce, two beef and onion pies, a portion of spaghetti carbonara and a packet of chocolate digestives.
As I lay there, tears rolling down my face, stomach distended and insides raw from food, I thought to myself, “Truly, I am a master of the art of living.”
I resolved to diet. To get some level of control. That night I had chosen bingeing over going to a friend’s birthday party. There isn’t a single aspect of my life that isn’t being negatively impacted by my ridiculously destructive relationship with food.
The next day I was working. I was observing a trainee teacher give a lesson on sports to a group of adult students from a variety of different countries. The lesson included a photo of a sumo wrestler. As soon as the photo was displayed, all the students started laughing. They puffed out their cheeks. They mimed waddling. They guffawed at the mention of his lifestyle. They threw around the word “fat” with gusto. I’ve taught this lesson before, and I’ve seen it being taught and, without exception, all students, from all countries, piss themselves laughing at photos of fat people.
It’s not hard to hate myself sometimes.
So, I’m back on the treadmill. Kind of. For the first time since April, I walked into college. For the first time since February, I walked home from college. It takes me an hour, and I find it tough. I haven’t been doing it every day, but I hope I will.
And I had porridge for breakfast. For the first time since the demise of the PoWaR plan in July 2012. Not every morning. But it’s a start.
And. For the first time in about five years. I made an actual packed lunch to bring to college with me.
I can do this. I dream of losing the weight quickly. Of doing everything perfectly every day. But that won’t happen.
However, I have to keep fighting and keep hoping. And this has been one of my top three food weeks this year.
Chin(s) up, Connor!