Some harsh statistics

1: the number of books I didn’t take out from the library last week, even though I needed it, because I physically couldn’t bend down and get it from the bottom shelf.

22: the number of hours of sleep I needed on Saturday night.

2: the number of hours I spent going to the loo this morning.

20: the number of minutes it took me to put on my shoes today.

10: the number of minutes I managed to walk today before I started bleeding.

Countless: the number of times I’ve panted today. And the number of times I’ve had palpitations today. And the number of times I’ve felt pain in my joints and my muscles today.

2: the number of medical professionals I spoke to today.

370: the number of pounds I now weigh. That’s 26 stone 6 pounds or 167.9 kgs. The heaviest I’ve ever been. If I halved my weight, I’d still be overweight.

62: the number of inches around my waist. That’s five foot two inches. My waist is as wide as my mother is tall. That’s 157.4 cm.

7: the number of hours since I started my diet – an easier, more sensible one than the last one.

75%: my level of confidence that I won’t fail like I’ve failed every single other time.

100%: my level of resolution. I WILL beat this monster. I promise you. I promise me. I’m going to bugger this monster senseless. I’m going to bugger it till it bleeds. I’m going to bugger this monster all the way to Hell. I’m going to win. And live. And love. And dance. And never, ever again sink to these depths. I AM GOING TO WIN.

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6 Responses to Some harsh statistics

  1. Carla says:

    Go Connor! Stay alive.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You need to stop thinking of it as being on a diet. You are not on a diet you are permanently changing the way you are eating!!!If you are thinking of it as a diet then you are always anticipating when it's going to finish. You need a new normal. Fad diets are difficult to stick to and are always viewed as temporary.Now changing the way you eat overnight is not going to be possible but it is possible to make changes gradually. I know its obvious but if you don't have junk in the house then you won't eat it. You need to move to a place where you only eat stuff you make yourself. If it comes in a box or a jar then don't eat it. Try and gradually cut out carbohydrates like bread, pasta, white potatoes, and white rice. Replace them with with other foods like sweet potatoe and other veg. Eat food that will make you feel fuller for longer, high protein foods, veg like brocolli etc. It's not going to be easy but if you make a plan and write it down and progress gradually then you should make it.

  3. I'm sure you're well-intentioned, Anonymous, but you're wrong. I don't think of a diet as something temporary. I think of any way of life where you exercise any measure of control over what you eat as a "diet". I need to be on a diet forever, just like everyone else. I get an awful lot of flack for using the word "diet", but it really and truly is not meant in the sense of an extreme way of eating that will only last a short time. For me, a diet is eating healthily. If you had a vegetable today, you are on a diet. It may not be the way you use the word, but it is the way I do. I really don't see how what you describe isn't a diet. Also, you're wrong when you say that if I don't have junk in the house I won't eat it. When I'm not on a diet, I almost never have food in the house. I will go out and buy a pizza and two packs of biscuits and if I don't finish them in one sitting, then I throw them away. I don't keep junk food in the house. The problem is not proximity. When I'm not on a diet, I often end up going to the shops five or six times a day for food. One of the habits I'm trying to get into is eating at home and having food in the house.I'm being very sensible. I'm not doing anything extreme. All I'm doing is restricting myself to three meals a day, banning myself from eating while walking or while sitting in the car and avoiding biscuits, baguettes and pizza. Everything else is more-or-less up for grabs. I will lose weight this way, but what I'm really trying to do is to change my behaviours, my guilt around food, my tears around food, my horror of food. I know writing a blog like this seems to scream out for advice, but I've read more about nutrition than your average Joe. I've been thinking about food pretty much non-stop for about 22 years. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I don't need any more nutritional guidance. That said, thanks very much for your kind intentions.

  4. Anonymous says:

    While not wanting to get into a row. I am aware of the distinction between "diet" and "being on a diet". Your diet is what you eat. Good or bad it's called a diet. Everyone in the world needs to be on a healthy diet. Permanently, as opposed to being on weighwatchers, atkins carrot etc etc for a few months and then going back to doing what was done before. It's all about breaking the cycle.I wish you luck but I have read through your blog and everything you have said here you've said before…. I hope this time is different for you. I am not here to give you advice, even though it appears that I am. I am not qualified to give dietry advice nor am I a pschologist or anything like that. I am merely an ordinary guy giving his opinion. You are well read in the area of diet and nutrition, you know the situation you are in now, you know what you need to do so go do it. By the way we met last year at a wedding in Poland but I don't think you would remember.

  5. I don't know whether I would remember or not! I have a vague recollection of the weekend, but I got horrendously drunk (as you might remember!) and so everything is a bit foggy. I'm vaguely guessing that you might be one of the two guys who waited in the airport the morning after with myself and Raymond and Sinead, but whoever you are "Hello!" …I mean well.I don't want to get in a row either – it's just that I do get an awful lot of criticism for using the word diet and it does get to me. I see "going on a diet", like I see "getting married" or "giving up smoking", they are lifelong projects, that might work out. When I had my most successful stint at WeightWatchers, during which I got down to 16 and a half stone, and people told me I was "too thin" and I "needed to stop" (even though I was still five stone overweight!), I fantasised about following the WeightWatchers plan for life – I was planning to be a WeightWatchers leader and bring other people on board – if you go to the meetings, you'll meet plenty of people who are WeightWatchers for life.And I know I'm saying the same things I always say, but it's like smoking. I tried to give up again and again and again, and I made the same oaths and declarations each time. I threw away ashtrays. I threw away lighters. I ran the cigarettes I had under the tap. I bought nicorette, or something of the sort. And time, after time, after time, I failed. And then, at a time when life wasn't going that well for me, I tried again (saying exactly the same things I always said) and it worked. And I haven't had even a drag in over two years. Change is possible, and I am capable of it. And I agree – I hope this time is different for me.Thanks for reading, and thanks for reaching out. It really does touch me that anyone reads this and that anyone cares. x

  6. Carla says:

    Connor, you call it whatever you want, as long as you do it. I am behind you 100%. I know you can do it; we all can. So again I say, Go Connor — and I don't care how many times you've said it before, you say it as many goddamn times as it takes. Connor is on a diet, by god!! A big hug to you.

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