A change will do you good

Yesterday was not my most successful day. I ended up not going to college and bumming around for most of the day. In the evening, I went to Tesco, to buy a few groceries. And I passed the discount bin (the most dangerous part of any shop) and I saw a pack of red hair dye for €3. How could I not buy it?

If you’re a regular reader, then you’ll know that there’s nothing I believe more firmly than that changing my hair will fundamentally change my life for the better.

Having put the hair dye in my basket, I decided to throw in a tube of Veet too. Seeing as I was changing my hair on top, I figured I might as well change/remove the rest of my hair.

I got home, had my dinner, and set to work. I applied the hair dye. This was relatively uneventful. The shade is “berry red”, and I think it looks really funky. I was so excited after applying this that I had to have a sit-down.

Then I started on the Veet. I’ve long had issues with my body hair. I had decided that all hair was coming off: arms, armpits, chest, tummy, back, bottom, you-know-where, legs and feet.

It was an absolute disaster. I’m not very bendy. I couldn’t reach most of my back. I can’t bend over long enough to ensure that I did my legs in any way evenly. The only success was my front and my arms, but even that’s not great. I applied the Veet twice, and ended up burning a hole in my skin where one of my stretchmarks had been scratched by my belt. It stung the bejaysus out of me all night. My chest is now hairless, except for a weird stray patch around each nipple, most of the hair came off my belly, but it left some very itchy stubble behind, so now my stomach is like a giant chin. My left arm is really smooth and hairless, as I used my right hand to apply the cream, but my right arm is patchier, because my left hand is worse at these things. My armpits are bald and sticky. My legs are completely uneven, very hairy in some places, stubbly in others, and smooth in others. My bottom is mainly as it was. My back is still like that of a werewolf.

I can’t wait to be able to afford regular waxing from a professional.

I was in the middle of applying the Veet to my belly when my phone rang. It was a man from Cavan, wondering about the racing pigeons I was selling.

That’s right, the bandits who put the ad for the house rental on Gumtree, and the ad for the bearded dragon, had struck again. I was apparently selling my racing pigeons and was moving to Denmark with my girlfriend.

Two perfect Thoroughbred Racing Homer Pigeons for sale. Genuine Irish Homing Union certificates and documentation available if needed. Both GPS chipped, not that they’ll go missing on you – these two are winners! I have personally trained these pigeons from a very young age – I’ve put a lot of time and effort into these and all of my pigeons.

-1 year old, ‘Dessie’, has raced 14 times, won 6. Averaged out 35 mpm over the 14 meets,
-5 month old, ‘Teresa’ has raced 6 times, won 2. Averaged 39 mpm over her 6 meets. Should be sexually mature and able to reproduce within the next month or two, however I would advise waiting until Christmas with this particular bird.

Genuine reason for selling, as my girlfriend and I have decided to move to Denmark for work reasons. I will include a racing clock for training purposes for cash buyers.

No time-wasters please. 

Contact Conor any time on 0863628751.

I googled my phone number, something I never thought I’d do, and in the process, I discovered seven ads with my name and number.

My favourite is one offering myself as a surrogate father. Gumtree took that ad down, as well as an ad saying that I was selling raccoon bones.

 

There’s another ad, saying that I’m an Oxford graduate who’d like to teach the Irish to speak English properly and offering my services as an English teacher, and finally, there’s this, which made me laugh very hard:

This one-of-a-kind pet is the product of countless hours of boredom at home. While in pensive mood one afternoon a month or so ago I decided to enslave a young,innocent fly for my own amusement. Days went by as I held my victim captive, feeding him small bitesize sandwiches to keep the lil’ bugger afloat. As I starting spending more time with the little guy, I realised that I was actually enjoying his company. I felt a bond forming between us and I proceeded to name him Larry and since then we have formed a friendship like no other. My Mum has told me that I must give him up because “having a pet fly is weird”. So I offer Larry to the person who can look after him the most,free of charge. No strings attached.
Contact Connor for delivery/collection details on 0863628751

I have a fairly good idea who’s doing this now. Anyway, I spent an hour or two googling myself at the computer with my new hair and my hideously, Frankensteinesquely depilated body.

A day later, I’ve just finished cleaning after last night’s adventures in hair. One of my towels has turned red from hair dye. And bizarrely, there’s a splotch of red hair dye inside the lid of my toilet. There’s dribbles of Veet ingrained in my bedroom carpet, and there’s hair everywhere. Seriously, half my hair is still on my body, but my flat looks like it’s been home to a pack of molting sheepdogs.

Anyway, today’s been a better day than yesterday. And my hair actually turned out to be really nice, so it’s all good. And ten minutes ago, I discovered that I’m also selling a slurry tanker.

I don’t even know what that is.

Selling this fine piece of working machinery as I will be emigrating and not be needing it anymore. 

The tanker comes with; 
-lights 
-hydraulic brakes 
-quick attach filter hose attachment 
-6″ filler and discharge points 
-2.5″ washdown adopter 
-15×6″ suction hose
-4 filler points

Specs of the tanker:
-Capacity: 5000 Litres
-Wheel Size: BN3
-Width: 2470mm / 97″
-Length: 5750mm / 18’10”
-Barrel Diameter: 1370mm /54″
-Pump Size: 8000

I hold a lot of sentimental value for this tanker as it was passed down to me by my father. I’ll not be selling it for a penny less than it’s worth.

No timewasters please. 

Phone contact please on 0863628751.

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