On Wednesday night, I went to see some stand-up comedy. Of course, I went wearing a bright-pink sparkly necklace. And of course, I got picked on by the MC. I hadn’t realised that I was wearing a bright-pink sparkly necklace to a comedy show. I once accidentally wore a Boyzone t-shirt to a comedy gig and that didn’t work out that well for me. And another time I accidentally wore a t-shirt that said KISS ME in giant letters to a gay karaoke night. I’m glad I don’t think before I do.
While the MC at the stand-up comedy night was chatting to me, mocking me in front of the whole audience, he speculated about my sexual preferences and I found myself commenting on the enormous feet of the handsome straight man sitting next to me who I’d never met before in my life, confirming, for a room full of people, that I’m a despicably predatory homosexual. I loved it. And I think I could do it. For real. I know I’ve promised before that I’ll try my hand at being on the stage, and I haven’t had the courage to do it, but I really do think I could entertain an audience.
I far prefer talking to an audience over talking to ordinary people.
And I think, I think, I think, I think I might do it in drag. Maybe. Today was the first day I put on a full face of make-up and was relatively pleased with the result and I left it on for a whole hour. Normally, I just put it on and then scrub it off straight away in a giant attack of shame. Today was different. I felt empowered.
I really could end up doing anything. It is great to be Connor.
And on Friday, it was really great to be Connor. I was sitting in the staffroom in the school where I teach, working on the computer, when two of my colleagues decided to re-enact the bar scene from Top Gun. You know the one. Where Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards sing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” at Kelly McGillis in an attempt to seduce her.
These two colleagues stood on either side of me, singing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”, clicking their fingers, moving closer and closer and I didn’t know what to do. And they’re both straight, both handsome, one with a lovely bottom, the other with beautiful arms, and they know that I dreamily objectify them from time to time and they serenaded me.
I spent the next four hours fanning myself.
Being me is pretty special.