So, I’m back at WeightWatchers. Properly back. I’m posting everything I eat in black and white, online, where everyone can see it. And it’s going fine so far.
My new starting weight is 25 stone 1 pound, or 351 pounds or 159.2 kilos. And my BMI is 53.4.
I have broken through the 25 stone barrier. I remember the shock of weighing 22 stone and swearing I’d never go back to that. Well I did.
In other record-breaking news, I have broken through the 350 pound barrier. I’m like Lance Armstrong with all these records.
I hear “25 stone” and all I can think is that it’s a quarter of a 100 stone. 100 is a lot of stones.
I weigh around the same as a 1-year-old camel.
It shouldn’t surprise me that I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. My neck and jaw have now merged. There is now a diagonal line going from my chin almost to my collar-bone. It’s gross. And let’s not even mention my recent physical ailments.
Anyway, this is a new start and I will never be 25 stone again.
My new starting measurements go like this: My neck is 17.75 inches/ 45.4 cm, my chest is 53 inches/ 134.9 cm, my arm is 16.5 inches/ 41.8 cm, my waist is 59.25 inches/ my measuring tape doesn’t go that high in metric but I’m guessing about 150.5 cm and my thigh is 31.5 inches/ 80 cm.
My first day of dieting – yesterday – went well. And it ended with a trip to Chicago, the musical, not the city.
Billy Flynn was being played by 90s boyband superstar, Duncan from Blue, or – as his friends call him – Duncan from Blue.
Blue were never my favourite boyband. They were a bit worthy and ballady for me.
However, Blue are the source of two of my favourite news stories of all time.
My second favourite Blue story ia about when Duncan from Blue and his bandmate Lee Ryan (not generally known as Lee from Blue. I don’t know why) had a threesome with a girl. They apparently “spit-roasted” her and then high-fived. It is not reported whether the girl joined in the high five.
My favourite Blue story is about the Lee Ryan fansite. The founders of the fansite closed it down about two years ago when they woke up one morning and realised they were “no longer Lee Ryan fans”.
When Duncan from Blue took to the stage last night I did let out a little meep, but then the jazzy, scantily-clad dancing girls surrounded him and the squeal I let out was so loud that the row in front of me all turned around to see me.
The dancing girls were carrying my new favourite thing: Giant white ostrich-feather fans.
I need one. In fact, I need a pair, and then I need to be taught a dance that involves them.
If any of you has any connections in the world of burlesque or jazz dancing, let me know.
The very thought of it excites me. I may have to radically re-think my wedding plans. But that’s a story for another day.