Ladies, if you want to know how to impress a man, I know the answer. It costs €3.49 and comes in a white tube. It’s called Veet and it removes hair. One of the boys used it on my back last night. When I emerged from the shower, with my back hairless, two boys’ jaws dropped, two pairs of eyes popped and one of the boys exclaimed, “Why has no-one told me about this before?”
So, ladies, if your lovelife has become stale, if your fella is more interested in his dinner than he is in you, the solution is simple. Just smear Veet all over his hairy belly and let the magic happen. I promise you’ll make an impression.
When we started the hair removal process, there were four of us in the kitchen. I took off my jumper, my hairy man-boobs bobbing about. It didn’t take long for the Dutch boy to leave the room. I haven’t seen him since. He’s possibly still in his bedroom, rocking back and forth, in desperate need of counselling for the post-traumatic stress disorder inflicted on him by the sight of my stretchmarks.
The Chosen Boy, an English guy, who is 20 years old, and therefore one of the oldest of the Boys, manfully took on the task of Veeting Connor’s back. When I’d first asked him to do it, he’d suggested videoing it. Thankfully that didn’t happen.
He took up the bright pink spreading spatula and set to work. He debated the merits of putting the cream on really thickly versus doing a number of coats like painting a kitchen wall. In the end, he used about half a tube and one coat was sufficient.
After the ten minutes recommended, I stepped into the shower. The hair started tumbling off my back. I didn’t realise what a Yeti I was until I saw my hair all over the walls, the shower tray, my towel. Seriously, it was as if a giant furball war had taken place in the bathroom.
Anyway, I returned to the kitchen and amazed the boys with my baldness. The Galway boy, who had stoically remained in the kitchen throughout the whole process, was stunned. And the Veet Spreader himself was proud of his handiwork.
I think my back looks better. It’ll take a lot to get me to actually like my body, but this is as good a start as I could ask for.