Make me thin, Gary Barlow!

I love reality TV a bit more than is strictly healthy. I pulled a hissy fit on Facebook and on this blog on that fateful night last December when One Direction were knocked out of the X Factor final. I curl up in bed at night and watch  Tom Chambers and Camilla Dallerup’s foxtrot from Strictly Come Dancing 2008 on my laptop, whooping with joy every time. I can’t not clap and cheer to Danielle and Lauren singing “Popular” on Over the Rainbow, one of only six videos I’ve ever “favourited” on YouTube. I’ve spent entire nights watching The Biggest Loser Australia on my phone.

This year, I am as obsessed as ever and The X Factor is in full swing.

Two of the contestants, Craig and Sami, are overweight. Now, Sami is a “larger lady” and a lesbian to boot. Therefore, she apparently has a right to be fat. Kelly Rowland has roared at her that she is “Size Sexy”.


Now, this is obviously nonsense. There is no such thing as “size sexy”. And, given a few years, Sami will be “size morbidly sexy” and Kelly Rowland will be laughing out of the other side of her face.

Now, women are meant to be all curvy and lumpy and bumpy.

But not men.

Men should be solid. And chiseled. And lean. And square. So Craig, unlike Sami, is not “size sexy”.

Craig is known across the internet as “Biscuit Boy”. Before the X Factor, he worked in a biscuit factory, as befits a great big fatty like him. I found a whole news story online based around Craig’s favourite biscuit. It’s a chocolate digestive.

So, the authorities have decided that Craig is to lose weight. Or else how could he be a pop star?


Gary Barlow, who has had his own struggles with weight (after Take That broke up and before they re-formed in their new, boring current incarnation) has taken it upon himself to make Craig thin.

He has lent Craig his nutritionist. And according to the papers, Craig lost a stone in a week. On the X Factor, we saw him chopping vegetables. That’s how people lose weight on telly. They chop vegetables. You don’t see them eating vegetables, just chopping them. In TV world, chopping vegetables = being on a diet. Craig must be chopping a lot of vegetables. He’s looking a lot better.

Every Saturday night when I watch The X Factor, I just think about how unfair it all is. If I was on TV I’d definitely lose weight. I think, “Make ME thin, Gary Barlow, make me thin.”

My Twitter: Last Saturday night

But he doesn’t and he won’t.

Never forget, Gary

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1 Response to Make me thin, Gary Barlow!

  1. Pingback: Third Weigh-in, Sunday, 20th November 2011 | Project Connor

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