When the gaff was free

A lot of my more recent posts have had a very self-congratulatory tone. Oooh, look at me and all the study I’m doing. And all the weight I’m losing. And all the exercise I’m doing. Well no road is that smooth. Avid blog disciples will have noticed that there was no weigh-in last Friday. Let me tell you what happened.

When I was a teenager, my big brother was far cooler than me. He had big hair and baggy clothes. Twice, when our parents were away, he had “free gaff parties”. Lots of people came and lots of fun was had.

I wasn’t as cool. I too had big hair, but while his was bouffant, mine was lank and greasy, with a most unattractive kink in the ends. I too wore baggy clothes, but they didn’t hide my boytits. (Oh my God, did I just say “boytits”? Why, yes, I did). On the one occasion I organised a free gaff party, four classmates came(all boys), along with my sister and two friends from our road (all girls). It lasted about half an hour. Half an hour of pure torture. The boys giggled, nudged each other and whispered jokes in each other’s ears. The girls tried, and failed, to make conversation. No drink was drunk. No songs were sung. No fun was had.

So, I suppose the phrase “free gaff” doesn’t hold the same pleasure for me as it has for others. And the curse of the free gaff struck again last week.

As most of you now know, I’m living with a good friend of mine at the moment. Let’s call her Tallulah. Tallulah has gone on a long holiday in the sunshine, and so I have, in a manner of speaking, a free gaff.

The first morning after Tallulah left, I got up a little later than usual. I went downstairs and made my good diet-y breakfast. I ate it, but felt hungry anyway. I did a very silly thing then. I drove to a shop and bought a bag of sausage rolls. And ate them. Then I came back home. Unbelievably, I went back to bed. Why? I don’t know. It’s like a giant switch was flipped in my head. It’s not as if my housemate keeps tabs on me – she doesn’t! But a voice in my head said, “If you’re bold, Connor, no-one will know.” Of course they’ll bloody know, you eejit! You share excessive amounts of personal information with the worldwide web!

It’s been a fairly shaky week. I’m still exercising. I’ve paid my taxes. I’m still going to college, but the food, the food! Things have been going so well recently. I can’t drop the ball!

So, please, everyone cross you fingers and your toes for me. Light a few candles for me. Say a novena and sacrifice a small animal. Don’t let Connor drop the ball!

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