I tend to chafe. Even elite athletes chafe occasionally and the advice is to lube up your groin, armpits, feet and nipples with Vaseline before you set off on a marathon. I went into the chemist’s on Friday to get myself some Vaseline. The pharmacist asked me what I needed. I said, “Vaseline”. She asked if I needed it for my lips. I said no. I didn’t think to simply say I needed a tub. The first thought to enter my head was to say “For my groin”. I stopped myself in time. Instead I said “For my nipples”. And because I was in panicky auto-pilot mode I pointed to my nipples while saying this, possibly because my subconscious thought that there was a chance that the pharmacist didn’t know what nipples were. Anyway, I got the Vaseline and shall lubricate myself thoroughly in the morning.
Today, I went to the RDS to register. I was smoking, cupping the cigarette in the palm of my hand for fear one of the marathon organisers would see me smoking and kick me out of the competition. I’m having my last pre-marathon fag now, with 12 hours to go. Hopefully, there’ll be no more after that.
I registered. Surrounded by skinny people. They say all sorts do marathons, and it’s true there were people of all ages there, but I was the only even slightly fleshy participant. I felt a fraud. I was waiting for a hand to clamp down on my shoulder and for an athletic person to tell me that my sort weren’t welcome. Luckily, that did not happen.
They did give me a goody bag, which included a massive bar of chocolate. I ate it as soon as I left the hall. I’m meant to get carbed up before the race!
So I’ve eaten my last and smoked my last. Tomorrow is the big day. Aaaargh! I’m absolutely terrified. I’d prefer to be having my fingernails extracted.
When I get up in the morning, after my porridge and my lubing, I’ll have to walk to the marathon. I’m aiming to finish while the course is still open (within 8 hours). I’ll be wearing my swimming togs and an old t-shirt. All I’m taking is my front door key, a €20 note and my iPhone. If anyone tries tracking me online the silly organisers have registered me as Conor O’Donghue. I’ll blog tomorrow evening to say how I did and with a new weigh-in.
Cross your fingers extra hard for me. I need something to go right!