Twenty-six miles

I may have mentioned before that I’m doing a marathon on Monday. O. M. Effin G. Like.

I have a plan. For every one of the twenty-six miles (“Did you say twenty six, Connor?” “Why yes, yes I did!”) Any way, for every one of the twenty-six miles, I’m going to pick one of the things I hate about “Old Connor” (the 1981 model). I’m going to pick one of the things I want to leave behind and say goodbye, one at a time, one per mile.

It’s all very Oprah-ish, very self-helpy and very, dare I say, “American”. But I don’t care. Oprah is a goddess, I need to help myself and America gave us both High School Musical and Gossip Girl, so not everything American is bad.

Here’s the list:

Mile 1: Goodbye to morning indigestion.

Mile 2: Goodbye to finding new stretch marks.

Mile 3: Goodbye to layers of nicotine phlegm.

Mile 4: Goodbye to constant tiredness.

Mile 5: Goodbye to underwear-related bruising.

Mile 6: Goodbye to shopping in horrible fat-people shops.

Mile 7: Goodbye to breaking furniture (my record was three chairs in one month).

Mile 8: Goodbye to wasting €40 a day on cigarettes and crap food.

Mile 9: Goodbye to not fitting in aeroplane, train, bus, cinema and theatre seats.

Mile 10: Goodbye to stinkiness.

Mile 11: Goodbye to panting from tying my shoelaces.

Mile 12: Goodbye to excessive flatulence.

Mile 13: Goodbye to bad skin and teeth.

Mile 14: Goodbye to my ginger beard, hello to facial definition.

Mile 15: Goodbye to thunderous snoring.

Mile 16: Goodbye to sweat and friction burns.

Mile 17: Goodbye to being called “big fella” (infinitely worse that “grotesquely obese fatty”)

Mile 18: Goodbye to sleeping in.

Mile 19: Goodbye to spending suspiciously long periods of time in the toilet.

Mile 20: Goodbye to feminine curves, hello to manly chiselledness.

Mile 21: Goodbye to constant self-consciousness (No, Connor, those girls on the bus are not laughing at you).

Mile 22: Goodbye to the possibility of “buried penis syndrome”. It’s real! Google it! Or not!

Mile 23: Goodbye to not being able to get away with trendy haircuts or guyliner.

Mile 24: Goodbye to dying when I’m 59.

Mile 25: Goodbye to being terminally single.

Mile 26: Goodbye to sleeping in cars in Sligo.

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2 Responses to Twenty-six miles

  1. Anonymous says:

    You can do it!! I do not have anything more American self-helpy to say at the moment but I'm sure I'll think of something soon. BTW, Ashley Tisdale of High School Musical fame is now starring in a truly terrible cheerleading TV show. Oh how the mighty have fallen! MB x o

  2. Pingback: Connor has a project | Project Connor

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