What goes on tour…

Project Connor’s been on tour for the last few days. I’ve been in the Real Capital, the Beautiful City, that Jewel of the Atlantic known to many as Cork, and to the lucky few as “home”.

I don’t know what comes over me when I visit home. My dad asked me if I was on a diet. The obvious answer would have been quite simple. It would in fact have only consisted of one word, which would have been “yes”. However, my mind went doolally.

Instead of “yes”, I said “kind of”.

What the hell did that mean? I was committed to 2500 calories a day. I was faithfully noting it all down in my little notebook. I’m weighing myself tomorrow. In what way is that a “kind of” diet? What’s wrong with me?

Of course, Dad wasn’t happy with the answer “kind of”. You can’t be “kind of” on a diet. It’s like being “kind of” twenty-nine years’ old. Or “kind of” pregnant. You’re either pregnant or you’re not. It’s equally impossible to say you’re “kind of” dead or “kind of” fabulous.

He asked for clarification. I said that I would be starting my diet on Monday.

What possessed me? Did I forget that I am committed to being 18 stone by Christmas? That I’m doing a bloody marathon in six weeks time? Double-you. Tea. Eff?

So Project Connor has had a three day hiatus, of kitkats, twixes, pizzas, chips, sausages, rashers and general slovenliness.

I am now absolutely exhausted. My arteries are clogged. My lungs are chock-full of Philip Morris’s finest nicotine. I am (and I know this is a woman’s word, but I’m secure enough in my masculinity to use it) bloated. I’m having a nice lie-down now and I’m going to bed. I’ll still weigh in tomorrow, but I’m hoping that walking for a few hours tomorrow will unbloat me in time for my weigh-in.

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4 Responses to What goes on tour…

  1. Anonymous says:

    I had no idea bloated was a woman's word! I'll have to start using it more often. And stop Ricky using it. Anyway, your hiatus was a minor setback that can be overcome. Wanna go for a long walk in Phoenix Park on Tuesday? We can run with the deer.Laurie

  2. Sinead says:

    Connor, you've got to come clean with your parents. It's hard, but it could be a vital step along the project Connor journey. Remove the safety net and you won't be able to revert to old habits. What are you afraid of? God, I should be writing self-help books, would you listen to me? But you get my point. Anyway, best of luck with the marathon! A big hug x

  3. Anonymous says:

    Dear Connor, I read your blog almost religiously…almost because I don’t want to sound like a psychopath! I love it and it gives me lots of comfort and inspiration. I too battle with weight and other issues…Just wanted to say I think you are an excellent writer (not just blogger) and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. You Connor are a fabulous person!! Wishing you best of luck with everything!!! May the frolicking begin, because you already look pretty dashing just as you are.

  4. I don't usually answer comments on this blog, not because I don't care, but mainly because of laziness. However, all three of these comments require an answer, so this is my first intervention since the Great Porridge Debate of May 2010. Laurie, buckle up! Phoenix Park on Tuesday sounds good. And yes, you will have to stop Ricky saying "bloated". And "crinoline" too – not a word for boys. Sinead, write that self-help book! Call it "Abandoning the Safety Net". I'd buy it. I told my parents that I'm on a diet this morning. There, safety net gone!Mystery Admirer! Thank you so much. Love the support and the compliments! Made my day!

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